Saturday, May 14, 2005
Some father’s thoughts on Mother’s Day
By Russell King
As Mother’s Day came and went, I gave some thought to what the day means for American dads. I’ve decided that it’s more important to us than Father’s Day. Father’s Day is nice—who couldn’t use at least one day a year to have the people they love most tell them how great they are?—but Mother’s Day helps us get the job done. Which job is that? Being a dad.
It’s sad to say, but some of us actually need an annual reminder to honor our children’s mother or mothers. My children have birth mothers, step mothers and adoptive mothers, and although having all three sorts in one family may be unusual, having two of the three is darn near typical these days. However your family tree has grown, take the hint and honor the moms you find amid the foliage.
By “honor” I do not mean writing, reading or sending the syrupy stuff that drips from greeting cards and oozes from e-mails. Moms, according to these sources, are the true and only sources of all the best in life: love, hope, faith, charity, compassion, kindness, mercy, wisdom, nurturing, empathy, sympathy, peace and even life itself. False pedestals are false honor; false honor is really an insult.
We also slight our moms by pretending that the other parts of their identities—friendship, sexuality, spirituality, intellect, creativity—either don’t exist or are somehow less deserving of recognition and celebration. It’s all part of the package; it’s all going to affect our kids.
Mother’s Day is an opportunity to recognize, celebrate and be grateful for everything the mothers of our children bring to our lives. How? Let me suggest some ways.
One: Recognize that we’re all caught up in a cultural change from the “nuclear family” of the 1950s—the only time it really flourished—into whatever comes next, and it’s stressing us out. More moms than dads are feeling the strain, because the forces of change have focused more on women’s roles than on men’s.
Two: Do something meaningful in response to number one. When you boil it down, the stress comes in through two doors—the lack of money and the lack of time. Money problems are the leading cause of marital stress and divorce, which in turn creates more time and money shortages and more stress. Our current cultural transition demands so much of mothers that the average mom loses the equivalent of one night’s sleep a week. Let’s support leaders and policies that reduce the economic stress on parents so they can nurture each other as well as their children (and, no, self-righteous sermons on the sanctity of marriage just ain’t gonna cut it).
Here are a few ideas that could help us make ends meet and give us time with our families: equal pay for equal work (working moms get paid just 73 cents on a man’s dollar); affordable, high-quality child care; paid sick leave; paid parental leave (pregnant women are working longer hours with fewer benefits, working later into their pregnancies and returning to work faster after the birth of their children); safe, high-quality after-school programs; prorated pay and benefits for part-time work; flexible start and end times; compressed work weeks; telecommuting; and universal health care coverage. Any one of these changes would put some money where our mouths are when we pay our annual lip service to motherhood.
There are, however, personal and individual things we can do that are more immediate and, just maybe, more meaningful. Love the mother(s) in your kids’ lives. It doesn’t matter if you’re married to them or not. Love comes in many flavors, so find one that’s appropriate for the banquet you two are sharing.
Show the kids that you love their mother(s). Love that’s unexpressed and unseen is pointless. I’m not even sure it qualifies as love. Love that is expressed and witnessed means more and does more than anything else. Speak and listen respectfully, even kindly, to and about each other in front of the kids. Say words of love, admiration and gratitude to them and about them where the kids can hear you. If you are married, or otherwise intimately related, openly laugh and love together. Hug and kiss without hesitation.
You’re uncomfortable with all that mushy, touchy-feely stuff? You’re just not good with words? Too bad. Your weaknesses, your cowardice and your wimpy insecurities don’t give you any excuses. Buck up, be a man, do your duty. Fatherhood ain’t for sissies.
Finally, pay attention to what your kids are saying about their mother(s). Maya, 4, and Jaden, 5, brought home preschool workbooks in which they completed sentences about their mothers. Some of their responses spoke volumes: Maya said “My mom and I like to ‘kiss and hug.’ My mom really loves ‘Jesus.’ My mom is beautiful because ‘God loves her.’ Jaden said “My mom is beautiful because ‘my dad thinks she is beautiful.’ My mom really likes ‘me.’”
After which, there really is nothing more for me to say.
Note: If you've enjoyed reading American Dad, you can show your appreciation by sending a donation to one of the three places listed here. I have good friends who are doing exceptionally good things at each of these places. Thanks! Good Shepherd Lutheran Church ELCA, 5701 Raymond Rd., Madison, WI 53711 St. John's Lutheran Church, N3882 County Highway KK, Weyauwega, WI 54983-9736 Trinity Lutheran Church, 3 S 460 Curtis Avenue, Warrenville, IL 60555
By Russell King
As Mother’s Day came and went, I gave some thought to what the day means for American dads. I’ve decided that it’s more important to us than Father’s Day. Father’s Day is nice—who couldn’t use at least one day a year to have the people they love most tell them how great they are?—but Mother’s Day helps us get the job done. Which job is that? Being a dad.
It’s sad to say, but some of us actually need an annual reminder to honor our children’s mother or mothers. My children have birth mothers, step mothers and adoptive mothers, and although having all three sorts in one family may be unusual, having two of the three is darn near typical these days. However your family tree has grown, take the hint and honor the moms you find amid the foliage.
By “honor” I do not mean writing, reading or sending the syrupy stuff that drips from greeting cards and oozes from e-mails. Moms, according to these sources, are the true and only sources of all the best in life: love, hope, faith, charity, compassion, kindness, mercy, wisdom, nurturing, empathy, sympathy, peace and even life itself. False pedestals are false honor; false honor is really an insult.
We also slight our moms by pretending that the other parts of their identities—friendship, sexuality, spirituality, intellect, creativity—either don’t exist or are somehow less deserving of recognition and celebration. It’s all part of the package; it’s all going to affect our kids.
Mother’s Day is an opportunity to recognize, celebrate and be grateful for everything the mothers of our children bring to our lives. How? Let me suggest some ways.
One: Recognize that we’re all caught up in a cultural change from the “nuclear family” of the 1950s—the only time it really flourished—into whatever comes next, and it’s stressing us out. More moms than dads are feeling the strain, because the forces of change have focused more on women’s roles than on men’s.
Two: Do something meaningful in response to number one. When you boil it down, the stress comes in through two doors—the lack of money and the lack of time. Money problems are the leading cause of marital stress and divorce, which in turn creates more time and money shortages and more stress. Our current cultural transition demands so much of mothers that the average mom loses the equivalent of one night’s sleep a week. Let’s support leaders and policies that reduce the economic stress on parents so they can nurture each other as well as their children (and, no, self-righteous sermons on the sanctity of marriage just ain’t gonna cut it).
Here are a few ideas that could help us make ends meet and give us time with our families: equal pay for equal work (working moms get paid just 73 cents on a man’s dollar); affordable, high-quality child care; paid sick leave; paid parental leave (pregnant women are working longer hours with fewer benefits, working later into their pregnancies and returning to work faster after the birth of their children); safe, high-quality after-school programs; prorated pay and benefits for part-time work; flexible start and end times; compressed work weeks; telecommuting; and universal health care coverage. Any one of these changes would put some money where our mouths are when we pay our annual lip service to motherhood.
There are, however, personal and individual things we can do that are more immediate and, just maybe, more meaningful. Love the mother(s) in your kids’ lives. It doesn’t matter if you’re married to them or not. Love comes in many flavors, so find one that’s appropriate for the banquet you two are sharing.
Show the kids that you love their mother(s). Love that’s unexpressed and unseen is pointless. I’m not even sure it qualifies as love. Love that is expressed and witnessed means more and does more than anything else. Speak and listen respectfully, even kindly, to and about each other in front of the kids. Say words of love, admiration and gratitude to them and about them where the kids can hear you. If you are married, or otherwise intimately related, openly laugh and love together. Hug and kiss without hesitation.
You’re uncomfortable with all that mushy, touchy-feely stuff? You’re just not good with words? Too bad. Your weaknesses, your cowardice and your wimpy insecurities don’t give you any excuses. Buck up, be a man, do your duty. Fatherhood ain’t for sissies.
Finally, pay attention to what your kids are saying about their mother(s). Maya, 4, and Jaden, 5, brought home preschool workbooks in which they completed sentences about their mothers. Some of their responses spoke volumes: Maya said “My mom and I like to ‘kiss and hug.’ My mom really loves ‘Jesus.’ My mom is beautiful because ‘God loves her.’ Jaden said “My mom is beautiful because ‘my dad thinks she is beautiful.’ My mom really likes ‘me.’”
After which, there really is nothing more for me to say.
Note: If you've enjoyed reading American Dad, you can show your appreciation by sending a donation to one of the three places listed here. I have good friends who are doing exceptionally good things at each of these places. Thanks! Good Shepherd Lutheran Church ELCA, 5701 Raymond Rd., Madison, WI 53711 St. John's Lutheran Church, N3882 County Highway KK, Weyauwega, WI 54983-9736 Trinity Lutheran Church, 3 S 460 Curtis Avenue, Warrenville, IL 60555
